So hooray to me!
Cos i finally finish my exams....again
it's kinda mixed feeling
happy cos i finish it. and i have really tried my best in this.
much more than last year.
but why do i get this feeling that the results would be somewhat similar?
thinking about this makes me even more sad.
Haiz...
Now i can't even sleep
insomnia....is it?
ah, who cares?
i feel like a free bird.
yet not knowing which direction i'll be going next
i'm afraid of being lost. being alone.
not having a hand reach out to me and guide me.
like a blind person without his walking stick.
argh..why do i have to be so emo and pessimistic?
i really have tried out being more positive
but i feel like i'm betraying myself form my true feelings
there was one night, where my brother wanted to throw away some old stuffs.
and my mum commented that he should throw me away too
i answered "ok, just give me some money. and a house. i'm ok with that"
she laughed. if only she knew that i was half serious about it.
i find myself starting to be a bit anti social, or not.
depends on how you see it.
like whenever there are family events which include my relatives, etc,
i did not really like to go to these kind of events. but had to, in order to avoid my father's scoldings.
and whenever i go to these events, i find myself just sitting/standing there and just smiling at people
if they laugh, just laugh with them even when you don't get the joke.
also, i rarely open my mouth and talk to others or my cousins.
except for one, who is the same age as me.
maybe we have something in common to talk about.
adults aka my uncles and aunts.
the only thing that they can ask you is your education.
and end the conversation with study hard, do well for your future or just silence...
which is awkward, until one of us leaves or talks to another person
speaking of awkward, i still remember vividly
that very moment. i was going back home with my close friend.
we rode in her father's car
so her father asked me about my education, as adults do...
i just said one sentence "i couldn't make it"
and there was a very awkward silence.
even my close friend's mum went quiet
i felt very awkward and uncomfortable at that time.
did i say that too frankly?
maybe he wasn't expecting me to say that
and to break the silence, my friend said the obvious.
"well, that was awkward.."
and then we talked about another topic..
yup, maybe her father looks down on me and stuff
he must be thinking that his daughter should not hang out with me, a failure.
becos that's what i am. ;(
