......
haizzz...
day by day, i'm slowly, losing hope..
i can foresee my future..
down the drain..

i don't know why..
i just.. arghhh...
**** me..
i think i ****ing suck!
this sucks like hell!!!

i know people look down on me.
they see me, and they think that i cannot make it.
well, guess what?
you people are right.
yes, YOU PEOPLE are right.
what was i thinking?
that i could prove you all wrong.
i keep failing time and again.
i'm sick and tired of failing.
just sick and ****ing tired.

yes, the only person who encourages me and
truly believes me is my father.
my mother. i didn't expect her to believe in me
because i know her. she has high expectations.
if you do well, she shuts up.
if you don't, she will shoot you down like a bullet.
she blames you for everything when things go wrong.
yeah, whatever. sometimes i feel like shouting at her.
but i didn't...
sometimes i feel like killing myself, you know.
just to shut her up.
like "there, you happy? you don't need to shout or waste
your breath on me anymore..**** that,"

ahh..**** me! this sucks. i have lost much time.
lots of time! i doubt that i will manage to finish this race.
i can't unless i have new source of inspiration.
come on, please! please! please! please! ****king please!
****!

Argh. I feel so sad. So i just wanna let it all go here. Coz i know my family doesn't know about this blog. So it's good for me. So firstly, my GP paper. OMG! i didn't know what to say. Part of me want to say," good job,u've done ur best". Another part of me want to say,"oh girl,u just screwed urself up.u're screwed." Argh. I felt so demoralised. So tired. I could feel my brain all dried up after that exam. So i told myself,"come on, suck it up! 5 more months!!!" And so i did. Then,the alpha male was upset with the...young male.. Becoz he always leave early and come back home very late. As in 1 to 3 am. The alpha male scolded the alpha female for this. And i don't see the link between her and the young male. Tensions are high at home. No laughter. Just silence. As if we are invincible to one another. When i think about it, i blame the young male's gf. My bro always return home at an appropriate time. But after getting tgt with her, i feel that he is under some spell. Always going out with her. I have heard of her situation before. And i don't sympathise her. I feel she deserved. I don't know why. I just feel so. She might appear nice but it's really too early to tell if she is really nice. Although they hope that they will be tgt for a long time,i hope otherwise. I don't know why either. I just don't feel comfortable with her. And now, i have this stupid problem. My remedial class clash with my family vacation! Which sucks big time. Class is impt so as to prepare us for the upcoming exam after holidays. But then, it was quite hard to find 2 days for the family to be tgt and travel somewhere. ARGGHHH!!!!! HELP ME!

Heyhey. I just have to share this with u! I had less than 3 hours of sleep today. And i think i was hallucinating today! During sch! Or maybe i was just too damn tired. Thanks to gp. Anyway, we were walking to canteen when i spotted a girl carrying a watermelon. But seriously, i really thought that it was a watermelon. But when i asked my friends, they say they did not see it. Awww. My mind is playing tricks on me :( damnnnn.. I need to rest.

Hey hey! Dear diary, today i slept for about 4 hours. Feels damn nice. Arghh.. Then reality hit me. I have some or a lot of homework to do! Shiitt!! Huhu~ tmr will be another tiring day. And each day i keep having to live with it. Looking forward to the end of the day where i can rest and sleep well. And i realise that i am kind of a private person. I only share with people i trust. And that is only some sharing moments. Else, i just have to bottle things up or dump it here or just live with it. Yeah. Life has its ups and downs. I wish i can be like peter pan. Forever young. Never have to worry about problems. Never have to worry about people backstabbing u or the way ppl look at u. U just have fun and don't care about what people say. U just have to be urself and not change because of people or circumstances. I don't really know how to express myself throught words, or even actions. I don't even know if what i've been blogging are my expressions. Hopefully it is. Did i ever tell u that i was always bullied at school? Well, not to the extent of beating up or extorting money. It's just "friendly" bully i guess. Everytime, my newfound "friends" and long time friend would either make fun of me, or vandalise my notes just because they do not want to dirty their own. Like wth! I have feelings too. And i don't like my notes being vandalised! And yet, when it is my turn, my "friends" would feel hurt and they show their emotions to me. And then start being bitchy. Guess what? I don't like that! I have feelings too! I just don't show my anger or emotions to u becoz i consider u as my friends. Or that's what i thought u all are. For eg, i just made fun of ur name. And u were upset with me. Wtf! U made fun of my name and i just laugh it off! I didn't take it seriously. And u? U had to show that u r upset. Like the whole world owes u an apology. And i had to make that apology. Tell u the truth. I wasn't sincere in my apology. I was feeling pissed instead. And i didn't show that in front of u, did i?!! Now i believe that this saying by my long time friend. It's every man for himself. And i say game on. I'm gonna catch up with u. And knock over ur game. Another eg. My so-called close friend confronted me for reading a passage too loud. Wtf! If u think it's too loud then take a few seats from me and stay there! I don't even wanna sit beside u! Damn it. Fucking shit. And u were unhappy about it. Don't u realise it was noisy in class when we were reading that passage? The noise isn't only from me. Noob shit. And u were all like,".. oh, then i think we need to resolve this.." fuck. U are the problem. Not me. Fucking pissed me off. I really felt like crying at that time. Really was misunderstood. And it's my close friend! I don't know if she deserves to be called my close friend. :( Ahh.. Dumping my emotions here feels good. I feel much better now. Phew. This blog is like my emotional space. Haha. Thanks to this blog, i can pour out my feelings,thoughts and my viewpoints. Ooh! These can be considered expressions right? Ok, good! I can express myself here! YAY!~ alright, gtg. I will come to u if i have any problems,ok bloggie/diary? :) hehe. Byebye!

Hey all. Or at least someone who takes an effort to read this. I don't care. Just a quick update on my life. My results for my recent exam sucks. Got U for university! Ahaha...haizz. Lame. What am i trying to prove here? To break some record of getting straight Us? Come on lah. I feel neglected. At home,at sch,everywhere. At home, i'm always alone. My parents don't even know what i'm doing at home. I may be playing games all day long. And when my mum is coming home, then i will quickly do my work. I've changed. A lot. From bad to worse. From a hardworking girl to a slacker. And i'm sitting for my very major exam this year in a few months. Like wts. Am i prepared? Fuck. This sucks. There i said the words. I have no one to blame except me. Me. I have lost everything. I'm like an ant trying to find my way out of a jungle,keep going in circles. And blehh.. I wish i can cry but it doesn't resolve anything. -_- I need to find the right track before i get lost even deeper in the jungle. Help me. Please. I need ur help. I need ur guidance. I need ur strength. I need ur love. I need ur care and concern. I need u to believe in me. I need u to be by my side. I need u to motivate me. I need u to encourage me. I need u.

Hey.. So sorry did not update for so long. Anyways, just curious to ask this. Have u ever felt that you are always looked down upon everywhere u go? I mean, they didn't directly tell u that but, have u ever felt that u know they look down on u? Haiz.. That's kind of what i m feeling right now... Which sucks big time. Let me see, when i try to remember about my sec sch, the people who come to mind,who look down on me, are the teachers. Most of them. My phy, eng, history(she is a full-time bitch. I had to say it.) teacher. Even people around me. Friends, family, friends.. And i always try to find some motivations for me to continue living. Argh.. I'm almost reaching the depressed mode. Sometimes, i feel like crying and screaming my lungs out. But there are ni tears. No sound would come out of my mouth. The only time that i cried the first time this year was when i got home from sch. It was after my chem test. Which i know i screwed up. So i felt horrible and could not focus on my lesson. Even my bitch teacher noticed. Cos when the class was laughing. I was not. Perhaps my mind was somewhere else.

Ok, i just woke up from a bad dream. Or is it nightmare? Nevermind. Anyway, i'll tell you what that dream is and i think that it is freaking weird cos i don't know where this dream came from and when i woke up, my head hurts.So here goes.. I don't know how but i was at this house, doesn't look like mine. We were having party with a few people. But when they want to leave, i don't allow them. Somehow i had a gun. A .45 i think. So i threaten them to shut up or i'll kill them. Then the police came but i locked the door. They were unable to negotiate with me. So they just wait. Not sure for what. It felt like a few days later. And i had already shot a few people dead as they would not listen to me. And the police.. I am not sure if they were still waiting or what. Some of the people in the house were hungry and i handed them some food. They went to one of the rooms, while i watch them. Then somehow, i was already outside buying stuff. I guess i was too long being outside. When i look up at the house, there was like red and blue light. So i quickly went back. With the gun hidden in my back. It felt ticklish cos it touches your ass. Haha. Ok, when i reach there, i pretended to be one of the families of the victims. I saw police officers taking down statement and the people/ hostages were hugging their loved ones. And there i was. I stood in the middle of the living room and pulled my gun and pointed it at my head. Then i shouted. Everyone looked at me. Then the police took out their gun and tried to negotiate with me. I am not sure what happens next. But then i was lying down on a bed staring at a receipt. Then my mum came from her work and handed me another receipt. Then i woke up. My head was like spinning, it hurts. I looked around and i was like, wow, what a dream. Freaky dream. So yeah, that's my dream. And now i am hungry. Time for me to eat lunch! :)